By: Nicole Evans, Divisional Sales Director at Atria Senior Living
For nearly a dozen years, I’ve had the privilege of helping families find the best senior living option for their situations. However, what gives me a unique perspective isn’t the number of families I’ve met or older adults I’ve connected with – it stems from my personal experience.
I had some of the exact same discussions with my mom that many families searching for senior living have. Through a little bit of trial and error, I discovered the most productive talks with Mom happened when I reframed our conversations.
For example, if Mom said she didn’t move because I was around to help her and take her to appointments, I wouldn’t say that I was too busy or that I couldn’t come as often. Instead, I’d say things like:
- “I want you to be closer to your grandkids so you can spend more time with them.”
- “I want you to have better access to health care.”
- “In a community setting, you could play bridge again and make new friends.”
In short, moving from home needed to be about making my mom’s life easier and better – not mine.
Helping with “the big talk”
One of the more memorable discussions I recall having with someone who was touring my community was a woman who told me, “I wish you could be there for my ‘big talk’ with my father, to help me know how I should reply to his concerns.”
Thinking quickly, I pulled out a handful of notecards and jotted some things down to help with her discussion – literal cue cards!
The prompts and responses on those cards did wonders for her situation, so I’m sharing them with you to help make the conversation easier for your family. This is by no means an all-encompassing list, but following the approach in these eight responses can help you reframe the discussion for a smoother and more productive outcome.
Common concerns and questions about assisted living and how to reframe the conversation
- Prompt #1: “I don’t want to lose my independence.”
- Prompt #2: “Why are you doing this to me?”
- Prompt #3: “I’m not happy about moving.”
- Prompt #4: “Why are you constantly nagging me about this?”
- Prompt #5: “Why are you pushing me out of my home?”
- Prompt #6: “I’m not alone. I have you.”
- Prompt #7: “I don’t want to lose all of my things.”
- Prompt #8: “I’m afraid of what’s next if I move away from home.”
Prompt #1: “I don’t want to lose my independence.”
Response: “You’ll actually be preserving your independence. A friendly staff is always around to help with the cooking, cleaning and driving – things that are becoming difficult or that you don’t really want to do.”
Most older adults associate staying in their home with being independent, not thinking about the stresses that come with home ownership. Help your parent understand that community living is actually the opposite of what they’re thinking.
Without the worries of day-to-day tasks such as preparing meals and tidying up, your parent will have more freedom to explore interests, and more time and energy to enjoy their independence.
Prompt #2: “Why are you doing this to me?”
Response: “Moving is not a punishment! I love you, and I want to see you happy and healthy for a long time. You’ve worked hard and deserve to be somewhere that can improve your life and make it easier.”
Make sure your parent understands that moving isn’t a bad thing or consequence. It’s a move done out of love and concern for their well-being, so help them recognize the motivation behind the decision.
Prompt #3: “I’m not happy about moving.”
Response: “It’s my job to make sure you’re safe and well cared for. Once you’re in a community setting and out of an unsafe situation, it can be your job to make sure you’re happy.”
Many families stop the discussion about senior assisted living for fear of making their parent angry. But wouldn’t you rather know they are comfortable in a community setting rather than alone in a potentially dangerous living scenario?
During the discussion, explain that it’s your job to make sure they’re safe, but it’s up to them to make sure they’re happy. Eventually, once they experience community living and discover how much easier their life is, the happiness will come. Some folks take longer than others, but eventually they will adjust.
Prompt #4: “Why are you constantly nagging me about this?”
Response: “I’m not trying to bother you – I’m trying to help. Maybe speaking with another person whose opinion you value would be helpful?”
Another common issue is that, because you are their child, your parent may not listen to you and will grow tired of the perceived “nagging.” Rather than continuing to have the same broken record conversation, step back and seek someone else to assist.
Whose voice in your parent’s world resonates with them most? Use that person as part of the solution. It could be a neighbor, doctor, priest or clergy member – maybe even a younger family member like a grandchild. Give your voice a break! Getting louder won’t help, so take a pause and use the help of someone else’s voice.
Prompt #5: “Why are you pushing me out of my home?”
Response: “I’m not trying to push you away. I’m trying to pull you toward the positives of community living – the social events, friendly neighbors and accommodating staff.”
Pushing a parent never works. Sometimes when I mention pulling rather than pushing, people think the words mean the same thing – but they have two very different meanings. Pushing your parent always results in them digging their heels in; their resistance becomes greater, and conversations break down.
Instead, pull them toward the benefits of community living – the social calendar they’ll enjoy, the new friends they’ll make, the staff to assist them and all the senior living amenities. These factors help paint a picture of things to look forward to, which is more pleasant than your parent feeling like they’re being pushed out of their home.
Prompt #6: “I’m not alone. I have you.”
Response: “I know you do, and you always will. But when you need something, wouldn’t you rather have a team that’s available 24/7 rather than waiting or relying on me?”
This one I refer to as tough love, and it’s hard for most people. You love your parent, and you want to be there to help them. But sometimes you have to stop being available for everything and let them struggle a little, helping them recognize the importance and convenience of having someone available at all times.
If you make it too comfortable and easy for your parent to stay at home, they will.
Prompt #7: “I don’t want to lose all of my things.”
Response: "You won’t lose anything that’s valuable to you. We’ll make sure important things move with you or stay with the family – everything else is just 'stuff.'"
This is a common reason many older adults give for not wanting to leave their house.
Seeking the services of a professional downsizer can help your parent sort through things without added emotions attached. By going through one room or space at a time, you’ll find out which items truly have meaning and which things are just “stuff.” Knowing that the important items will stay with your parent or family can help them feel at ease.
Another approach you can take is to ask your parent, “If there was an emergency and you had to leave your house quickly, what would take with you?”
Not surprisingly, most answer their pet if they have one, a purse or wallet, or a photo album – and they often admit that other things like furniture are just “stuff.”
Prompt #8: “I’m afraid of what’s next if I move away from home.”
Response: “I understand that it feels like you’re one chapter closer to the end of your story, but this move could help you write the best chapter you’ve had in a long time.”
Communication isn’t always easy. Many times, families will never address the elephant in the room.
Have an honest conversation about what moving to an assisted living apartment means for your parent. This is often a “tissue box conversation” that many families find difficult to have without some guidance, but some of the most productive conversations involve emotions and tears.
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